Embracing My Own Identity

Everywhere I went, I would hear people talking about that topic, and I would hate it.

Whenever that specific topic came up, I would stay quiet, block out the conversation and just constantly think to myself, “Why... why... why...”

It killed me to hear people say what they’re going to major in and what they have planned for the future.

And then there’s me. Here I am, undecided, having no knowledge about my future anymore.

The video above is a TED talk from Thandie Newton, an actress who has been in various movies (such as The Pursuit of Happyness and Misson: Impossible II), talking about her experiences of embracing and her own identity.

She really got me thinking about myself. Newton had to accept herself for her to be accepted to society. As for me, I suppose it could be similar– accepting myself to be accepted by my family.

For most of my life I felt like I knew what I liked, knew who I was, knew who I wanted: a young girl eager to become a doctor or someone in the medical field, influenced to help my brother and find cures for mental disabilities such as autism.

All of that changed when I became more aware of what I was and was not interested, the people I hung around with, my own values, and various other things that started to shape who I am today. In middle school I still did not have a sense of “self,” probably because I didn’t have many friends and was mostly influenced by my family that kept me stable and on a single view of the world.

It was until I entered high school that I started to become more social, became more aware of other people’s views, and I had a new, different views on certain topics. I changed my thoughts on my major after realizing the science classes I was taking in high school weren’t right for me, and that took a huge toll on my identity. I felt that, with the loss of what I initially had intended as a child, I lost a huge part of my identity; I didn’t know who I was anymore (and I suppose still too).

There are just so many factors and new realizations that I didn’t know what to do with myself, nor could tell who I was anymore. The feeling of disappointment from my parents and my own confusion made me think that I couldn’t do much for myself and be like everyone else with their advanced classes.
I just felt so... humiliated.

Even after all of that, I somehow started becoming aware about myself during mid-senior year– at least a vague understanding of who I am. After constantly changing myself various times, taking new classes that seemed interesting to me, I started realizing my strengths a bit more and also gained some confidence after a while, and even my parents said they supported me no matter what major I choose.

This is why I’m here at college today. For so long, I wanted my family to accept me so I can accept myself. I still believe that’s a part, but it’s mostly my own decisions that shape my path and identity, and that no matter what, in the end I will finally understand who I really am.

It took me about two years to finally come to the conclusion that acceptance comes from within. To make your family proud is important, but is it worth it if you hate yourself? Does it matter what people think about you? It shouldn’t, because each of us shouldn’t be confined to other people’s views that much, or at all. We all need to try our best to be what we can, because there’s only one of us. Acceptance comes when you can accept yourself, and that’s what I think I’m starting to do.