Embracing My Own Identity

Everywhere I went, I would hear people talking about that topic, and I would hate it.

Whenever that specific topic came up, I would stay quiet, block out the conversation and just constantly think to myself, “Why... why... why...”

It killed me to hear people say what they’re going to major in and what they have planned for the future.

And then there’s me. Here I am, undecided, having no knowledge about my future anymore.

The video above is a TED talk from Thandie Newton, an actress who has been in various movies (such as The Pursuit of Happyness and Misson: Impossible II), talking about her experiences of embracing and her own identity.

She really got me thinking about myself. Newton had to accept herself for her to be accepted to society. As for me, I suppose it could be similar– accepting myself to be accepted by my family.

For most of my life I felt like I knew what I liked, knew who I was, knew who I wanted: a young girl eager to become a doctor or someone in the medical field, influenced to help my brother and find cures for mental disabilities such as autism.

All of that changed when I became more aware of what I was and was not interested, the people I hung around with, my own values, and various other things that started to shape who I am today. In middle school I still did not have a sense of “self,” probably because I didn’t have many friends and was mostly influenced by my family that kept me stable and on a single view of the world.

It was until I entered high school that I started to become more social, became more aware of other people’s views, and I had a new, different views on certain topics. I changed my thoughts on my major after realizing the science classes I was taking in high school weren’t right for me, and that took a huge toll on my identity. I felt that, with the loss of what I initially had intended as a child, I lost a huge part of my identity; I didn’t know who I was anymore (and I suppose still too).

There are just so many factors and new realizations that I didn’t know what to do with myself, nor could tell who I was anymore. The feeling of disappointment from my parents and my own confusion made me think that I couldn’t do much for myself and be like everyone else with their advanced classes.
I just felt so... humiliated.

Even after all of that, I somehow started becoming aware about myself during mid-senior year– at least a vague understanding of who I am. After constantly changing myself various times, taking new classes that seemed interesting to me, I started realizing my strengths a bit more and also gained some confidence after a while, and even my parents said they supported me no matter what major I choose.

This is why I’m here at college today. For so long, I wanted my family to accept me so I can accept myself. I still believe that’s a part, but it’s mostly my own decisions that shape my path and identity, and that no matter what, in the end I will finally understand who I really am.

It took me about two years to finally come to the conclusion that acceptance comes from within. To make your family proud is important, but is it worth it if you hate yourself? Does it matter what people think about you? It shouldn’t, because each of us shouldn’t be confined to other people’s views that much, or at all. We all need to try our best to be what we can, because there’s only one of us. Acceptance comes when you can accept yourself, and that’s what I think I’m starting to do.

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First Day of Chaos!

All of a sudden, crashers surrounded the professor like vultures. Those anxious students were desperately trying to crash the class!

Practically half the class was up, anxiously waiting for the professor to speak. Their eyes were desperately paying attention, wanting to see what the professor would do. It was only a matter of time. They needed to know how the process would end.


The professor, however, was trying to do his best in helping the anxious students, but also balance time for his students, who were already registered in the class.

Being the other half of the class that was sitting down, I felt very lucky and relieved. I actually managed to register for the class before school started, unlike those crashers. I  realized that there was a huge difference in registration and class addition between high school and college.

High school was easy. We didn't have to do anything but choose a class since a schedule will be made for us, and only switch/drop out of classes that didn't fit. There are no issues with registration. Nothing hectic.

As for college, I already knew that one had to do things on his or her own. But that first day made me realize that if I do not register on time or early, I would have to be aggressive to crash a class.

Honestly, I always get scared if I managed to do things on time because I really do not want to go through all that trouble. Registration is an important process one has to go though the first day it’s announced! Sadly, a lot of us tend to procrastinate and end up having to try to crash classes in the end. And sometimes it’s painful to end up not being able to take a classes you need. I suppose it’s especially important for returning students, since they have to register after the fresh college students.

After witnessing that incident, I hope I do not experience anything hectic like that. I will plan out and register the day registration is open. It's better take the initiative and register quickly!

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A New School, A New Phase

What?! Noooooooo!!!

It's that time of year again when the freshman starts school. Year after year, either meeting new people in a new class and a new teacher, or just being new altogether, is a pretty intimidating process to go through. Unless, of course, you're totally up for it and just glad to talk to people.

For me, and probably some other people... that's a different story.

It’s still difficult for me to talk to people. Heh, but I'm getting better, maybe even better than how I did in high school.


In high school, I've had trouble meeting new people. I'm quiet, reserved, doing my own work and not socializing. I like meeting new people; it's just that I don’t want to introduce myself to others. I am, sadly, the one to wait. It might have worked in prior years, but that doesn't mean that is going to work forever. I made a note to myself that this year I was going to try harder to be more social and talk during the first encounter. A new school, a new phase, a new Jackie.

What helped greatly with my first week were my English and Personal Development classes– also known as the Bayan (means "community" in Filipino) Learning Community. These classes are actually forcing all of us Bayan Scholars to communicate with one another. During the first few days of school we moved around a lot to get to know a few people at first. I actually like this idea because it helped me so much with meeting a few people. I only wish I was given this experience earlier on in high school; it wouldn't have been such a problem if that was the case.

In the past, I was told by my friends that they wouldn't approach me because of my "mad/serious face" I carried, which is my natural expression...? How am I supposed to know how I look when I walk? I'm pretty sure nobody does unless they have a mirror in front of them.

I wanted to change, and I think this learning community helped me. Already in my first few weeks of school I talked to many people, even the first week alone I made a few friends! To those out there who're probably thinking, that's nothing, I've met way more people than that!, well that's just you. It's hard for some of us to make two on the first three days of school, let alone one. In fact, it took me two weeks of school to actually have a single friend in the past; I was that quiet back then.

As of now, I'm loving college-- I'm actually liking school for once! Crazy, isn't it? But it's because I'm not alone anymore. I've made friends already within the Bayan Community, and that’s more than enough for me. I am so glad the professors gave us various opportunities to talk with our classmates and get to know them.
It shouldn't just be this learning community, though. Everyone needs to try and actually talk to other classmate. It is a challenge, it will always be for many people. You think you're out of place and you feel that nobody will like you. That's never true, because if we just try to talk with someone and be open, I guarantee that school will be at least a little bit better, and even fun. All we got to do is make an effort and try.

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